First things first, I have zero DNA for Culture. Like Zero-point-Zero. I just don’t give a shit.
I happened to get a call from the Professor, Dr Jeffrey Habert who told me that his absolute worst place to visit is Vienna. I asked him why this is the case Doctor? What do you think of when you think Vienna? He paused for a second and then came up with one of those words of wisdom that only come from a guy who grew up watching the Three Stooges would say — “Culture” he said. You know one of those moments when two idiots are thinking of the exact same thing about something negative? Well, we had that moment.
I don’t want to go to the theatre — take me to a Heat game. I don’t want to go to the Opera — take me to the Foo Fighters in concert. I don’t want to hear about Mozart — I would rather hear about Bozo the Clown. I just don’t care. Sorry.
Vienna, Austria is all about culture. I chose to come here as a drop off to my next stop and do some European walking. Love that. Thats about it. I have been here before and saw Mozart’s apartment and it was not really memorable. If you’re not into Mozart, then go home.
His image is everywhere. To prove the point, I walked into the biggest trinkets and trash Vienna Shop on the main shopping street. Here I found the typical tourists local spirits, but in this case its shaped as a violin. Ok, one brand sure. Nope, like tons of brands shape their bottles as violins.
Mozart violin cases, mozart mugs, mozart plates… Come on. Does a huge city like Vienna have anything else to offer other than Mozart? How about a church? Sure, like every ducking city in Europe — another boring big church. I did walk in because I felt obligated. I was painful.
Ok, how about some kind of giant Opera House? Yup, Vienna has one of those. Lets see, Opera. Hmmm, nope, I would rather see an entire Brittany Spears concert and dance in the isles.
So what to do in Vienna when you come? My suggestion is to come with an open mind and understanding that your not the brainic or cultured person which deserves to be in this city. Its ok. Don’t worry. Ignore those cultural things and just go for a long walk on the main shopping street, Karntnar Strasse, and take pictures of anything to do with Mozart, go to the summer palace and enjoy the outdoors. Have a coffee on some street side shop and watch the smart people go by.
On the positive side, Vienna is a great place for food. If you have a normal appetite, then you would love Austrian food. For example, who does not love a big fat Schmeckle — Bratwurst on a bun. Schnitzel anyone? Chocolate Torte or Strudel for desert? The best!
Yum! Yum! Yum!
So, if you’re thinking of opera, symphony, boring old and big churches and culture, then Vienna is for you. You will be welcomed with open arms — and Mozart statues.
If you want to come here for a good bratwurst sandwich, then its probably a good idea to come for a day. Eat it up — Go for some long walks to expunge those huge calories — and get out of Dodge.
Finally, it would be wrong of me not to discuss a little music solo that I caught in the Berlin Airport public washroom. Some guy was playing the oboe in one of the stalls. I had to listen for a bit — after all, he took the time to play his heart out. It was a bit uneven, tonal, loud and then quiet. One might say, dirty and harsh but organic. A perfect music backdrop for my next city to visit, Vienna.